Dear Mr Liver,
We seem to have a bit of a problem recently and I feel it is time we addressed some issues rather than continuing the pointless battle between us in which their are no winners, just losers.
I have noticed your teamwork with the rest of my body is getting stronger by the day. Your ability to get my head, eyes and stomach all to fight back alongside you to punish me for any minor misdemeanours is admirable but recently I feel you have gone to far.
As I am sure you are aware, your response to me having just one more beer than usual on Wednesday was a huge over reaction and completely unjustified. To render me incapable of performing to anywhere the level of a human being for nearly 24 hours was extreme to say the least.
I do realise that I was partly to blame but I would really like you to consider my feelings and how I have grown more respect for you over the years and would like you to do the same. Remember, it was not that long ago that I would be bombarding you with work every day, sometimes not even stopping for sleep as I loaded you more and more alcohol to deal with.
The five year period of living with me in pubs were no doubt dark days for you, though I thoroughly enjoyed them. I realise now just how poorly I treated you but yet every day you supported me. You were incredible and have always been a loyal ally to me.
These days your workload may be consistent but rarely is it excessively heavy. I am careful not to push you to hard, partly due to fear of the repercussions you may force upon me. However, after Thursday’s actions, I feel we may need to look deeper in to how to get our relationship back on track.
Through all my initial anger on Thursday it did occur to me that you are not the bad guy here and that I have just never shown you the level of respect that you deserve. I want to change that. You may have noticed you have been given the last couple of days off since the incident, but this is just the beginning of a new chapter for us.
What I am suggesting is something that has not happened in 20 years and may be a struggle for me but I hope it will benefit us both in the long term. I would like you to take a holiday.
My biology knowledge is pretty low, so let me explain further. I still want you around to do whatever it is you do on a daily basis to keep me going but I will not be giving you any excess work. Consider yourself a liver of leisure until September 12th.
The dates are not negotiable as I will need you back fully charged and raring to work for the beginning of the next football season, hopefully carrying far less ill feelings towards me. Ready to work together, as we always have so brilliantly in the past.
P.S. Please do not mention this deal to lungs or heart, I don’t want anyone getting jealous and kicking off too.
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