Dealing with toddler tantrums can feel impossible at times. One minute your child is happily playing, the next they are on the floor screaming because you gave them the “wrong” coloured cup or dared to suggest bedtime might actually be happening. Like most parents, we quickly discovered that toddler meltdowns are often caused by the kind of tiny everyday moments that somehow feel absolutely catastrophic to a toddler.
Robbie is 20 months old now and in full toddler mode. He charges around the house all day and is generally an exceptionally jolly little guy. Like all toddlers though, there are times when his emotions get the better of him so I thought I would share my experience on how we control these outbursts.
Why Do Toddlers Have Tantrums
As with so many problems in life, the key to solving problems is realising the cause of the issue. Tantrums and full blown meltdowns are just a normal part of being a toddler and they are caused by a lack of development in the brain. I have read that the logical part of the brain does not fully develop until age 25, which gives some understanding of why young kids can lose their cool so easily even up to a later age.
When combining a lack of communication skills and the ability to clearly reason it all results in an explosion of emotions designed to ensure their parents know just how angry and upset they are. Robbie is very good at making his feelings known when he needs to!
What Triggers Toddler Tantrums?
Anything can trigger a tantrum, but the main causes are tiredness or hunger.
In my home, Robbie has a regular eruption just before bedtime every night when we clear away his toys and activities. We have a set routine of ‘quiet time’ just before bed where he will sit or lay with us and read a book together. The explosion usually starts when the last toy is away and he goes to his box to take them back out and is told that evil ‘no’ word.
How Do You Deal With A Toddler Tantrum?
There is really no single right way to deal with a tantrum but there are several wrong ways. The child is simply expressing their frustration and to shout back will do nothing but escalate the situation.
It is also really easy to just give in and to allow your toddler to have or to do whatever had prompted the outburst. Though this will solve the problem in the short term, having a child that uses tantrums as a way of getting what they want will open you up to years of pain so just stay strong.
The simplest way to deal with a meltdown is to consider how you might handle an adult showing extreme frustration. Of course you would not shout at them, ignore them or show your own anger too much. The natural reaction is to give them a hug and to talk to them about why they feel this way and toddlers are no different.
Talk calmly to your child. They may not be able to talk back that coherently depending on their age but it is vital to show that you do understand why they are upset and to explain the reasoning for your actions. Despite the lack of speech, they can understand you and this may calm them down in itself.
Does Hugging A Toddler During A Tantrum Reward Bad Behaviour?
I am a firm believer that a hug always helps. Though some will feel that this is rewarding bad behaviour the reality is that this will comfort your child and show them that they are loved. They are not getting their way but this is not because of a lack of love, just that the what they wanted at that time is not a good option right now.
What Actually Helped Calm Our Toddler Down
If a little love and understanding is really not doing the job, there are other options. Since we are dealing with emotional turmoil in their head, a simple way is to switch the focus of the brain. There are plenty of ways to do this, a cup of water or a healthy snack can do the job as long as this was not the initial reason for the tantrum itself. It’s amazing how many problems can be solved by a well timed biscuit.
A toy can help here too but is not necessary. Smiling and laughing whilst interacting can change the mood pretty quickly so even a few silly faces or a impromptu game of peek-a-boo can change the mood. Much like seeing somebody yawn can make you feel tired, your kid seeing smiles will make them happy and smile too.
Things That Made Toddler Tantrums Worse
If you get angry and frustrated at their tantrum it will usually last far longer than if you stay calm and try to lighten the mood a little. Robbie’s attention span is so short that after a couple of smiles he often forgets he was even upset. Must get that from me.
If drastic mood swings are a continuous problem then it may be a good idea to teach your kids about tantrums when they are in a happier place. Once the situation itself is finished, always take time to calmly explain why they did not get what they wanted on this occasion and how the tantrum did not help them. There are also a great variety of children’s story books available that will help to teach them to control their emotions better.
Frequently Asked Questions About Dealing With Toddler Tantrums
Why does my toddler have so many tantrums?
Toddler tantrums are usually a normal part of emotional development rather than a behavioural problem. At this age, children often have strong feelings but very limited ways to express them. They may feel frustration, tiredness, hunger, or overwhelm, but don’t yet have the language or self-regulation skills to manage those emotions. This is why even small things can lead to big reactions.
Is it best to ignore a toddler during a tantrum?
It depends on the situation, but ignoring the emotion completely is usually not helpful. What often works better is staying calm and present without reacting to the behaviour itself. The goal is to avoid escalating the situation while still letting your child know they are safe and supported. Once they begin to calm down, you can gently talk to them about what happened.
Whatever any parenting manual may say, I find it impossible to ignore Robbie. If he is unhappy, I want to do my best to make things better for him, even if the tantrum itself is over something completely ridiculous.
Should I give my toddler a hug during a tantrum?
For many toddlers, a calm and gentle hug can actually help them regulate their emotions. It does not “reward” the tantrum, because the child is not learning through logic in that moment. Instead, it reassures them that they are safe while their emotions settle. That said, some kids prefer space, so it’s important to follow your child’s cues. For me personally, I will always give Robbie a hug when he is having a tantrum,
What age do toddler tantrums usually stop?
Tantrums often peak between around 18 months and 3 years old and gradually reduce as language and emotional regulation improve. However, some emotional outbursts can still happen beyond this age, especially during times of tiredness, change, or frustration. Most children become much more able to manage emotions by the time they reach preschool and early school age.
How do I stop tantrums from getting worse?
The most effective approach is to avoid adding more emotion to the situation. Staying calm, speaking slowly, and not engaging in arguments helps prevent escalation. Try not to give in to demands during a tantrum, as this can reinforce the behaviour. Once your child is calm, you can address what happened and gently reinforce boundaries.
Trying to speak logically in the midst of their rage really isn’t going to get you far. I try to stand my ground and don’t give in, but still show love and understanding for Robbie’s feelings.
What are the most common triggers for toddler tantrums?
The most common triggers are tiredness, hunger, overstimulation, and frustration caused by not being able to communicate needs clearly. Routine changes or transitions—such as leaving the park or turning off a favourite activity—are also very common triggers for meltdowns.
How do you deal with a toddler tantrum in public (like in a supermarket)?
Public tantrums can feel a lot more intense than the ones at home, mainly because you suddenly feel like everyone is watching. We’ve had this ourselves in places like Tesco with Robbie and it definitely tested our patience more than once.
One of the biggest ones we had was in a supermarket aisle when something very small set him off (as it usually does). He went from being perfectly happy in the trolley to suddenly crying, shouting, and refusing to sit still. In that moment, the only thing that really helped was keeping things simple and calm. However much the judgemental lady behind stared at us, I didn’t let it affect how I parent my own son.
I knelt down so I was at his level, gave him a hug, and spoke to him quietly rather than trying to reason with him or rush him out of the situation. I also gave him his favourite teddy, Ted-Ted, who pretty much goes everywhere with us. That familiarity seemed to help him reset a bit and take the edge off the upset.
Once he had calmed slightly, we didn’t try to “fix” everything straight away. We just focused on getting him regulated again rather than worrying about the shopping or who might be looking on. Within a few minutes, he was much calmer and we were able to carry on.
Since then, I’ve realised public tantrums are less about stopping them instantly and more about keeping your child feeling safe and grounded until the wave passes.
Final Thoughts On Dealing With Toddler Tantrums
Dealing with toddler tantrums is one of those parenting challenges that can feel exhausting while you are living through it, especially when the meltdown is happening over something that seems tiny to us as adults. The important thing to remember is that tantrums are usually a normal part of toddler development, not a sign that you are failing as a parent.
For us, staying calm, showing affection, and trying to understand what Robbie was feeling often worked far better than shouting or punishment ever could. Every child is different though, and some toddlers will naturally struggle more with big emotions than others.
If you are looking for more professional advice on toddler behaviour and emotional development, the NHS has a really helpful guide for parents covering tantrums, routines, and emotional wellbeing.
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The best tantrum advice I had when large boy was about that age was that you only need to be 2 seconds more patient (or stubborn) than them. We’re the adults, we can do that. It achieves several things: models calmness and patience, doesn’t make them more stressed cos mum or dad is upset too, and teaches them that they cannot control you with tantrums (yeah right). Good theory, very hard to practice.
Calm and consistent wins the race…it’s a hard race but it pays dividends going forward. Great post!